Before we ever adopted, I have to admit that I wondered, in the back of my mind, if I really, honestly would love an adopted child the same as a biological one. I wanted to. I said I would. I thought I would. But I just wasn't sure. And now, having been immersed in the world of adoption for 4 years, I've often heard of the same wondering in others. They ask me if it feels the same. They wonder if they would be able to love that way. They think we're all noble and selfless for adopting. So please allow me to clarify a few things.
I adopted because I wanted kids. Because I longed and ached to be a mommy. Not because I wanted to do something noble for humanity. I thought that my heart was maybe special because I felt it was capable of loving a child not genetically my own. I didn't understand.
What I've come to learn in the last couple of years is that love is in no way related to biology. At all. Here's my proof. Think about the people you love. Think about your family. Who is the one person you love above anyone else? If you're married, I'm willing to bet you're thinking of your spouse. If you're not married, trust me that your parents love each other more than they love you. ;) But here's the thing- you're not related to your spouse by blood (hopefully). You chose them. You made a commitment, and formed a family, where there wasn't one before.
Adoption is like that. Only instead of us choosing our children, God chose them for us, and we just choose whether or not to accept the blessing. And even though we don't share any genetics, we make a commitment, we share our lives, we live every day growing and learning and being a family. Because we wanted to. Rachel doesn't have my eyes, but when I look in them, I see my daughter. Reed doesn't have my nose, but when I rub mine against his, I couldn't care less.
I'm not saying that an adoptive family is better than a biological one. I'm just saying it's not worse. The love is no different. I don't have any biological children to base that fact on, but I know the love I have for my children, and I really don't see how it could be any greater.
So now when I think back to when I used to wonder if I could love that much, I just laugh at my ignorance. I'm not special for being able to accept adopted kids. My heart isn't unique because it can love them boundlessly. Because it wasn't even hard.
They aren't the lucky ones. I am.
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10 comments:
This is such a beautiful post. And a really good point about the husband/wife analogy. You are a great writer; thanks for sharing this!
You are wonderful! So beautifully put. I love it! All so very true too. Kind of... rubs me the wrong way when people think we're doing adoption/fostering for a noble cause. In my opinion... not really for that noble of a cause. We're just becoming parents the way we were meant to become parents. Not that parenting isn't noble, but you know what I mean. Thanks again!!
Very well said. Both you and your children are so very blessed to have one another!
I love this! And, I even though I have no adopted children to base my opinion on, I guess I can't see how it would be any different (loving a biological child as opposed to an adopted one.) Honestly, pregnancy and childbirth is not even close to the defining moment of my relationship with my children. It's taken me years of getting to know them and loving them more each day. That's what being a mom is, and it has nothing to do with what they look like. I kind of think it might be exciting to have NO IDEA what your child will look like as an adult. It's like Christmas-surprise! He has red hair and is 6'10''! Who knew?! Actually, Nate's mom is adopted, and some of his siblings have some mysterious features that we can only assume come from her side of the family. I like it. Uh, this is really long. Maybe I should have just e-mailed-sorry!
I've of course never doubted your reasons for doing adoption, and I've also never doubted the amount of love you and Mike have for your children. It's so obvious to me, and I'm so happy you guys feel the way you do! This is a beautiful post!
Well said, Mary! One of my kids was also adopted, but I can't remember which one.
Wonderful, beautiful, what everyone else said as I wipe the tears off my face. Thanks for helping me remember the wonderful parts of being a mommy.
I love this post!!
This was a beautiful post, Mary! Adoption is a miracle and I don't see how anyone can assume that's why you have your 2 beautiful babies. (to be noble, etc) I think unless someone has experienced something similar to what you have they really have no idea. I get frustrated with the opinions and ideas that some people have about IVF, but I have to remind myself that they just don't understand it the way I do. (and appreciate it as much as I do!) I TOTALLY understand your longing to be a mother and your willingness to do what the Lord has planned for you to have your family. You are an anazing family and we love you guys!
Mike and I love that saying. ( we especially love the Garth Brooks song) We were actually going to use this is our profile teaser, but decided not to. I don't know why I havn't really read your blog in depth. After reading this post, I want to read more! You are very talented at writing! I am SO EXCITED to adopt. I am glad we have you guys in our lives for such a great example of how amazing adoption is. We have not held or met our children yet, but I already love them! I pray for them and their birth mom's daily. I can't express the respect I have for these women and chilren! WOW! I agree with everything you said!
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