Misconceptions

Apparently, November is National Adoption Month. I love sharing our stories and thoughts about adoption. Hopefully you don't get sick of reading them, because I don't see an end in sight anytime soon. I'm kind of obsessed with talking about adoption. My apologies in advance if this post comes off as a rant, because it's about some misconceptions people have had about adoption, or at least, our adoptions. And these are only my points of view. Other adoptive parents might feel differently about some of these things.

The other day I was talking to some close family member or friend about Rachel and Mindy (thank goodness for my bad memory, because I don't remember who I was talking to, so I can't hold it against them. :) Not that I would try to anyway.) We had just gone to Mindy and Jake's sealing, and I was telling this person how we were planning on Rachel having a sleepover weekend with Mindy sometime soon (which she did just last week). I went on to talk about how great I thought it was that Rachel has been able to develop a great relationship with Mindy, and how much I would love for them to always be so close.

Then I noticed 'the look' on this person's face. I've seen it before. It's a look that says, "I'm smiling because I don't want to burst your bubble, but I don't think you're doing the right thing." Specifically, it's a look that wonders why we try to have such a close relationship with Mindy, and if such a relationship is damaging or confusing to Rachel. This person wondered aloud, as others have done before, if Rachel might someday declare her intention of running away to live with Mindy instead of us. Or that she might grow up confused as to who her "real" mom is.

Why do these thoughts seem so rational to other people? It always just sounds like a bunch of silliness to me. Allow me to list some facts about Rachel's adoption.

-Rachel has two moms. We are both perfectly "real". I share the title of Rachel's Mom. This does not bother me. At all. I'm not saying that to be nice, or to try to be Christ-like, even though I don't feel it. Honest to goodness, cross my heart and hope to die, I am okay with being one of Rachel's moms. Please believe me.

-Rachel knows, even at age 2, that I am the mom who is raising her. Give the girl some credit.

-Imagine that Rachel did not know her birth mom. That Mindy was someone she knew of, but was never talked of and certainly someone she never saw, except in a rare photo - some fantasy person who only lives in her imagination, that she could build up to be absolutely perfect. This seems to me like the situation in which Rachel would want to run away and live with her birth mom. Mindy is a real person to Rachel. And sure, years from now she might stomp her foot and declare that she's running away to live with Mindy, because I'm just so mean. I would react to this in the same way another mom would react when their child decides to run away with the circus or a fun aunt. Not the end of the world.


Another thing people always say to me is how much our children look like us. I'm sorry to say it, but it kind of bothers me when people say this. Okay, I can see that you're squirming, because you've said this to me. Don't worry, you're in good company, because everyone says this to us. Literally, everyone. I know it's well-intentioned. It's meant as a compliment, and I make every effort to smile and take it as such, because I hope to always see other people for their intentions, not my interpretation of their words.

But here's my beef with it. My kids don't need to look like me to be my kids. It's like people are trying to say it's better if they don't look adopted, or validate my motherhood of them by saying they could have been conceived by me. But I'm glad they weren't. I'm so glad that they're adopted. If we had conceived them, they wouldn't be who they are. I love Rachel's blond hair and blue eyes. And there is no way, with my centuries of French-Canadian, brown hair, brown eye heritage, that I would give birth to a blue-eyed blond. I love Reed's cute chunkiness, and we all know that Mike's no linebacker.

I feel no need to pretend that I gave birth to Rachel or Reed. They are adopted. It is a wonderful part of who they are. Granted, it's not everything about who they are, but we never try to pretend that it's not there. I'm not sad they're adopted, and I hope they never are either.

One last thing, please, please never let your children tease each other with the phrase, "You're adopted!" I know, all kids do this. We did. I hear it on TV commercials and in watching siblings play together in the park. It bothers me - hurts me, like you can't imagine. I shudder to think of Rachel or Reed being older and overhearing other kids say this phrase to each other in that tone. Like something is wrong with you if you're adopted. Like you aren't really part of the family. I'm not looking forward to having to dry those tears someday.

Having or being an adopted child is not a consolation prize.

My children are gifts beyond my wildest dreams.