Mary's Defective Sniffer

Prepare yourself for a long but (I think) intriguing post!

As many of you know (but often forget because it's so weird), I (Mary) cannot smell. Never have, although I always could tell there was something there if you stuck ammonia, rubbing alcohol, smelling salts, or Vick's Vapo-rub under my nose. But never have I smelled baking bread, flowers, fresh-cut grass, or any other apparently very pleasant smells. However, I have also never smelled rotten eggs, BO, skunks, bad breath, and other things that I am told I should be thankful to have never experienced.

I have never really minded - honest! Considering the other senses I could have been born without, I figure I'm pretty darn lucky, and you tend to not miss something you never had. (Although I must admit that when I was in grade school, I just thought that maybe I didn't know how to smell, so I would fake it, especially with those scratch-and-sniff stickers that were all the rage). But for the past couple of years, Mike has been telling me I should go to a specialist to see if they can "fix my sniffer." I finally broke down and went, and my appointment was today.

And the verdict is... *Drum roll please* No, they cannot fix me. Olfactory bulb transplants (to the doctor's knowledge anyway) do not exist, and I probably wouldn't pay for one if they did. Short of that, there is nothing to be done. The appointment, however, was not a waste, as I (1) got off work early, and (2) learned some new things. For everyone who has ever asked me, "So, can you taste?" read on, it's kind of interesting.

The doctor (a very nice woman named Dr. Heras) asked me what I can smell. I told her that the only things are the above mentioned chemical-y or menthol-like ones, and even then, I don't even feel like I'm really smelling them, just that I can kind of sense that they're there. She got very excited at this and very enthusiastically complimented me on how well I described it. This is why: I don't actually smell them at all. Things like rubbing alcohol and smelling salts trigger a nerve, you don't (only) smell them, you feel them. That's why smelling salts work even when someone is passed out and not sniffing at all - they send a burning sensation to the nerve, much like feeling pain is passed through nerves. So now I can honestly say that I can't smell ANYTHING.

Then we moved on to the area of taste. She asked me if I could, I said yes, I quite enjoy eating. She said that 90% of taste relies on smell, that the only thing the tongue is responsible for is distinguishing between bitter, sweet, salty and sour. She asked if I was blindfolded would I be able to tell the difference between a grapefruit and an orange, which I think I can since I hate grapefruit juice and love orange juice, but mostly because grapefruit juice tastes bitter to me and orange juice is more sweet. Then she asked if I can easily tell different jelly beans apart. The answer, again, is not so much. I have a hard time telling what they taste like, although there are ones I like and don't like. And those Harry Potter Bertie Bott's Beans? They really don't taste all that terrible to me. I wouldn't voluntarily eat them, but they're not disgusting.

I must also now issue an apology to everyone I have ever become defensive at for telling me my sense of taste must be worse. I always figured it was fine, because I like and dislike foods based on how they taste, and chocolate does not taste the same to me as a salad. But the more I thought about it driving home, I realized things, like how I can tell the difference between milk and dark chocolate, but the difference to me is simply that dark chocolate is bitter. I LOVE sour candy because it's sour, not because it tastes like "Sour Apple." I also often like or dislike foods based on texture (i.e. toast - love! cottage cheese - hate!) I think I have to come to grips with the fact that though I can tell foods apart and I love to eat, I don't taste like everyone else does. I've just never tasted any other way. Sure, when you plug your nose or have a cold, you say you can't taste, but you can, and if that's all you ever had, you would think that was perfectly normal. Alas, I will never be a chef or a taste tester.

Wow, what a day.

The only advice Dr. Heras gave me was to make sure my smoke detectors work, and to have twice as many as the average person, since if my husband is not home and I can't see it, I will have no idea my house is burning down.

The other thing she told me was that when we have kids, since I can't smell dirty diapers, I have her permission to, and I quote, "put the baby butts in your husband's face."

I knew there was a perk in there somewhere...