The Learning Curve is Huge: Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I'm hoping this isn't just me, but you know that feeling around the holidays that you're so busy with out of the ordinary things that your goals kind of go to pot? And then after the holidays are over, it's prime resolution-making time, because you realize all the things you aren't doing well, or at all?

Yeah, that's my life right now.

I've got the traditional resolution-type goals of eating better, exercising more, reading more, etc. But I only have minor guilt associated with those aspects that need improving.

But my kids? Whoa. Major guilt. Tonight's one of those nights where I kind of mentally took stock, and I wasn't happy with the results. At all.

Let's preface by saying that I love my children like crazy. I don't abuse them in any way. I'm mostly good at not raising my voice (especially now that I have Laryngitis. Heh.) We read together and play. I take opportunities to teach Rachel her numbers, colors, and shapes. Most days they get dressed. We go to church and pray as a family. I tell them I love them dozens of times a day with words, hugs, and kisses. Our home is a happy and safe place. These are some things that I do that are good.

But my mothering is far, far from perfect.

Rachel doesn't eat well. Not only does she graze constantly, which probably is a major contributing factor in her not eating much overall, but she eats crappy food too. Lots of sugar. Lots of cookies. If there's candy in the house, she will find it. And I'm a total pushover. If it's in the house, I will most likely let Rachel eat it. It is for this reason that I have stopped buying fruit snacks and chocolate milk altogether.

Rachel and Reed both have diaper rash constantly. I use the excuse that I can't smell, so I don't know when they're poopy, which is true. But how is it that after 2 1/2 years of changing diapers, I still can't remember to do a quick check more often? Or put diaper cream on more?

We don't go much of anywhere. I always have plans of taking the kids to museums, the library, or playdates, but it seems like most days we just stay home because it feels like too much work to go out.

Rachel watches way too much tv. Again, because I'm a total pushover. I'm becoming a permissive parent, which I know is not good.

I feel like I don't play with Reed enough. Granted, he doesn't do all that much yet, but I want to make more time for him. There are some days when I feel like we interact and play a lot, but there are a lot of days where I feel like I've just taken care of his basic needs.

This is not a comprehensive list, by far. But I'm starting to depress myself.

So here's the thing. I was thinking about all this tonight, kicking myself for all the things I feel like I'm failing in as a mother. I very purposely became a mother. My bachelor's degree is in Home and Family Living. This is what I have studied and prepared for. So shouldn't I be better at this? And then I had an 'ah-ha' moment. I realized that one of the purposes of parenting is to become like our Heavenly Parents, as their main role is just that - Parents. And if the goal is that lofty - to become like God, to eventually have and raise spirit children as He does, isn't it going to take some time and effort to get there? Why am I expecting perfection of myself today? I've been a parent for a whopping 2 1/2 years. Heavenly Father has been a parent for, well, I don't know how long, but a heck of a lot longer than that. Of course I make mistakes and of course I'm not a perfect mom today. It's going to take a lot of practice, and a lot of trial and error.

I still want to do my best. I still want to do better than I'm doing now. Heavenly Father wants us to learn and grow and get better. But he doesn't want us to hate ourselves all along the way. I love the saying "Heavenly Father loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way." All the things I listed above are things that I am determined to change. That I want to do better at tomorrow than I did today. I hid the cookies tonight so Rachel won't see them in the cupboard. I'm keeping my goals in mind and taking steps towards doing better. And that's all Heavenly Father asks of us, I think. And if that is all He asks of us, why do we ask more of ourselves than He does?

I believe that there is such an expectation of perfection among women, and especially in LDS women. We drive ourselves crazy expecting ourselves to be perfect in every way every single day. We think that everyone else has is all together and we're the only one who feels like it's falling apart. So forgive me for airing some dirty laundry, but I'm all for owning up to my imperfections, so that others don't feel like everyone else is perfect and they're the only one messing up. We're all messing up. It's called life. And it's a training ground. Let's give ourselves some room to learn.